StonerMorty Adventures
by AnonOrange-FFA
Summary: Various one-shots I've done that can be put together as chapters of a single story. Featuring Stoner!Morty, assorted Gym Leaders and friends, complete nonsense and gratuitous license taken with characterisation. Also, drug use. Obviously.
1. Wasted Sundays

This chapter begins the Stoner!Morty Adventures. They're long-winded and purely nonsensical, but do enjoy them.

Disclaimer: Not mine, again. I'm not sure if I have to say that every chapter or not.

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First of all, none of it was my fault. Secondly, it was a Sunday. That's important because I don't remember the last time I had to battle on a Sunday. I don't know about you but I think that Sundays are made for wasting. Especially here in Ecruteak where nothing ever happens. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do what I do if I didn't have any connection to the place. They call it a city but it's much more of a town, it too small to be a city.

And sure there's always something on at the theatre but that means that you've got to close up and get dressed and make sure that someone knows where you're going and it's just too hard a lot of the time. That's why I like Sundays so much. Visitors are scarce and trainers even fewer. What else is a Gym Leader to do with his time on a Sunday?

Don't believe anything Eusine tells you. He's a liar. Trust me, I had Haunter listen in to his conversation with Falkner last week and none of what he said was true. Okay, part of it was. One fact. Eusine got one fact right. I was just a little bit wasted.

It was a glorious Sunday last weekend, when this happened. And that's saying something because I don't use the word 'glorious' very often but in this case it just so happens to be the only word I can think of. It gets pretty cold in Ecruteak during the winter so after months of rain and freezing air, an afternoon of sunshine is just the breath of fresh air you need.

The Ghosts were out like they always are on weekends but while they usually caused mayhem that would keep the best on their toes, it didn't bother me so much this time. I was going to relax in the sun and everything else could wait until Monday.

So I closed up the Gym and headed out onto Route 38 with Gengar strolling along beside me; we left the others back home, with the Gym closed they could spend the entire afternoon playing in the fight area without anyone to tell them off for it.

I was expecting there to be a lot more people out enjoying the sunshine. Not that it mattered to me, I was kind of hoping for the place to be deserted anyway. I sat down in the grass to watch Gengar playing with a pair of Magnemite and lit up a joint; I couldn't think of anything better at that point. Sunshine, closed Gym and happy Ghosts all added up to a very happy Morty.

Nothing could ruin such a perfect day. And I know how fucking lame that all sounds, 'it was a beautiful day and I was happy and everything was good', but sometimes that shit really does happen. I wasn't going to waste the opportunity because I'd spoken to Whitney the day before and she'd mentioned that a bunch of new trainers had just passed through Goldenrod, so I was expecting them in the next few days.

Gengar was trying to get my attention by pulling on my scarf in that way he has, like everything is urgent so I'm never sure if the Gym is burning down or if Haunter is just getting over-excited and scaring small children.

"Hey, what is it?" I asked him. I remember thinking that his head felt fuzzy when I patted it reassuringly. Which is strange, when you think about it, with him being a ghost and all. Ghosts shouldn't be fuzzy. They really shouldn't because they're not exactly solid creatures. You'd think they were some days, the way they tear through the Gym and turn everything upside down so I can't find the sandwich I just put down. I once made a sandwich and turned around, then when I looked back it was gone. Haunter thought that it was funny to hide it under my pillow and I had to explain to all the Ghosts that sandwiches do not belong in bed. The crumbs are a fucking pain to get off the sheets.

So anyway, I was lying there out on Route 38 enjoying the sunshine and then suddenly, Gengar's come running back out of nowhere followed by Eusine.

"Saw the Gym closed, thought I'd come out here looking for you." He said.

"Yeah," I laughed. "I thought about going down to Goldenrod but I didn't feel like being in the city today. It's too... big."

"You're fucked, aren't you?"

"No."

"Fuck, you are."

"I'm not, relax." I laughed again and stood up, patting Gengar's head again. It was still fuzzy.

"Look me in the eye and say that."

"You know I can't do that, Eusine."

"Do it."

"No!"

"Morty!"

"What?" I was laughing at him by then. I couldn't take him seriously at the best of times.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you're not fucked up."

"I'm not fucked up."

"Look at me."

"No."

"Morty."

"Eusine."

"Jesus, I need you to be coherent right now."

"I'm always coherent, what's going on?"

"You're not, you're fucked."

"Only a tiny bit. What's up?"

"Some kid got lost up in the Burned Tower. I was going to go look for him."

"I'm okay to do that."

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"Really."

"Yeah." I don't know why he was so unimpressed. I was definitely coherent and I could walk in a straight line and all of that shit, he just didn't want to believe me. It was probably because of that one time I got a bit more wasted than I planned on. Even that wasn't my fault. He was supposed to be out of town and it was late so the Gym wasn't opening until the next morning or anything. But there was Eusine, standing at the back door with that look on his face that only parents should be allowed to use. You know the one, that 'I am so devastatingly disappointed in you right now' look. I let him in and I made him a cup of tea but he says that I made it with a handful of mixed herbs instead of tea leaves. I think he was wrong, I remember that being the most delicious cup of tea I'd ever had.

So Eusine dragged me back into Ecruteak and across town to the tower. We stopped by the Mart to pick up a couple of drinks and some supplies that Eusine thought we might need. He stocked up on bandages and pokemon treatments and generic painkillers while I strolled up and down the aisles looking for things that caught my eye.

"Are you serious?"

"What?"

"You want a bottle of Gatorade and some peanut butter?"

"I haven't got any left at home."

"So come back later."

"I'm here now though."

"I'm not buying you the peanut butter. We're going to a find a kid that got stuck in the tower."

"...Will you buy me the Gatorade?"

"What?"

"So if you won't buy me the peanut butter will you at least buy me the Gatorade?"

"Fine." Eusine snatched the bottle up and handed it to the shopkeeper then threw it at me. Idiot. As if it was going to catch it. He was sorting out his change while I tried to collect the bottle from under the first aisle of shelving.

"Help me, would you?"

"What?"

"The Gatorade, it's stuck."

"So reach under and get it."

"It's stuck, Eusine." I said. "It's going to be stuck there forever. It's going to be alone. Man, can you imagine the kind of life it's going to have now? Poor fucking Gatorade. It's going to be like living in a cave. It'll never get married and have little bottles of Gatorade. Fuck, Eusine, you wouldn't want to put it through that kind of misery would you?"

"Can he just get another bottle?" Eusine asked the shopkeeper, who nodded. Obviously he just didn't want a twenty-something sitting on his floor crying about Gatorade anymore. "Come on." In one of those more cherished moments of our friendship, Eusine dragged me out of the store by the collar.

"Ouch, fuck, try to choke me next time." I accepted the fresh bottle of Gatorade from him.

"Next time remember that you've got responsibilities in this town."

"I know that, I'm not stupid. I'm a fucking Gym Leader, someone trusts me more than you do."

"Don't get shitty with me."

"I'm not."

"You are."

"I'm not. I just said that." I was a bit shitty with him. It had kind of hurt when he dragged me out of the shop.

"Look, are you really okay to do this? You know the kind of psychos that hang out in the tower."

"Yeah, I know. I've got Mr. Fuzzy here to help us out." I grinned and scratched Gengar's head again.

"Fuzzy?"

"Yeah, he's fuzzy today."

"He's a ghost, Morty."

"Touch him!"

"What? No."

"Touch Gengar's fuzzy head, Eusine."

"No."

"Touch the fuzzy!"

"Come on." This is the part where he grabbed me by the ear. He says that I tried to set Gengar on him at this point but I doubt that. Gengar denies it as well but he's a filthy liar most of the time, it's part of his charm. Eusine however, isn't a liar so I'm not sure about this bit. I certainly don't remember telling Gengar to set a Shadow Ball on him but being dragged around by the ear hurts so I wouldn't be surprised if I had. Incidentally, I don't know if Eusine ever believed me about Gengar feeling fuzzy that day.

So after he dragged me to the Burned Tower, Eusine's stopped me outside and given me a talk. You know the kind, 'behave yourself, don't touch things because you don't know how old they are, keep your shoes on', all like I'm some kind of stupid child. Which was funny at the time considering why we were there. If some stupid child hadn't been lost in the tower then I would have been able to have a Sunday off. I told Eusine that.

"You're the Gym Leader. You have the same responsibilities that your family has had for Generations."

That's his answer to everything.

"Kids weren't always that stupid, that's only recent. And I know how old everything in that tower is and of course I'll leave my shoes on because I don't want a seven-hundred year old splinter in my foot."

"How old are you?"

"I don't know, ask my mother."

"Look, let's go, okay?" Eusine said. I let him drag open the door to the tower. He looked like he had it under control so I didn't want to get in his way. I followed him in though. Eusine looked around with his torch for a while, I think he checked the ceiling to make sure it wasn't going to fall in again like it had the last time we were there, or at least I hope he checked the ceiling. I was too busy drinking Gatorade in the dark. I only realised later on that I don't even like Gatorade. I only got it to annoy Eusine, he hates the stuff.

"I should have gone to the farm for some milk." I said sadly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Hey! Is someone there?" Eusine had been ready to say something but he stopped. I'm pretty sure he was going to say something because he'd turned back to face me and rolled his eyes. But when that kid shouted out from the basement he stopped. I guess he realised that he could yell at me some more later on. I'd totally forgotten that I'd invited him and a couple of other friends around for dinner. But that comes later in the story, we're still in the tower now.

"Are you okay?" Eusine called down through the hole in the floor.

"Of course I'm not okay! If I was okay I would have just walked out of here, wouldn't I?"

The kid was a little bit hysterical. He was also a bit of a smart arse.

"Hey Mr. Fuzzy, get in there and calm him down, okay?" I said. Gengar grinned widely and jumped down into the basement. Me and Eusine had to use the ladders and by the time we got there, the kid was a lot calmer.

"Why is he asleep?" Eusine directed the question at Gengar, who shrugged.

"I think that's a bit much." I patted his head again. "He can't complain now though."

"Morty, he knocked the kid out."

"So?"

"So? So now we have to wait for him to wake up to find out what happened."

"Well it's pretty obvious that he fell in the dark and broke his ankle, isn't it?" I said.

"What?"

"Look at his ankle." I finished my Gatorade and gave the bottle to Gengar, he'd get a kick out of playing with it for a while at least. "I'm pretty sure it's broken."

"How sure?"

"Falkner broke his ankle a few years ago and it pretty much looked like that."

"How did Falkner break his ankle?"

"He fell out of a tree."

"Why was he in a tree?"

"I don't know." I said. Eusine was on the ground by then, looking through his bag for something.

"We have to move him before he wakes up then."

"Why?"

"Well if it's broken then he'll probably scream if he's awake."

"Right. What are you going to do about it then?"

"Bandage it tightly so we can move him to the Centre."

"Don't do that."

"Why not?"

"Don't take his shoe off, I just said that." I seized the opportunity to grab Eusine by the back of his collar. I'm sure he didn't appreciate it but he kind of deserved it by then.

"Let me move the kid, Morty."

"If you take his shoe off his ankle will swell up more than it already has. Let them deal with it at the Centre." I said. "Hey you," I kicked up a rock at Gengar. It didn't hurt him but it got his attention and that was all I needed. "Is he really asleep?" Gengar nodded enthusiastically. "Good job. Do you want to carry him or should I?" I said to Eusine.

He looked at me like I'd suggested we go on a date in the National Park. I can make that comparison because I suggested that once for a laugh just to see what his reaction would be. Whitney laughed so hard she fell off her chair.

Eusine was the one to carry the kid to the Pokemon Centre. I sent Gengar on ahead to let them know we were coming and Eusine walked pretty slowly for someone carrying the dead-weight of an unconscious kid in their arms. Seriously, Ecruteak isn't that big but it took us almost fifteen minutes to get to the Centre. That's just stupid. I could have gone home, made something to eat and still have beaten him there. I thought about doing that but he was still pretty unimpressed with me so I just kept walking quietly and making small talk to make him think I was interested in whatever it was he was talking about.

When we finally got to the Centre I sat down in the waiting room with Gengar and we threw the empty Gatorade bottle back and forth for a while. Eusine was in with the Nurse keeping an eye on the kid and it's not like I had anything else to do that day. I probably should have gone to check on the others back home but it was a Sunday and I didn't want to be the one telling them to tone down their fun on a Sunday. I was having fun. Sure, it was a bit unfortunate that the kid had a broken ankle but that was kind of his fault for going into the Burned Tower alone.

Don't get me wrong, I felt bad for him because broken ankles hurt, I know. I had to listen to Falkner complaining like a bitch when he broke his. That was before he became Gym Leader though so at least he didn't have to run the place like that. The downside was that he had all that free time to sit around in my Gym complaining.

"Hey Morty?"

"Yeah?" I looked up to answer Eusine just as Gengar threw the bottle again. It hit me in the face. It took a minute of swearing loudly to feel better about being hit in the face with a Gatorade bottle and I started to ignore Gengar; he'd apologise within a few minutes if I did that.

"You remember you're having people over tonight, right?" Eusine asked.

"Um..." I tried to look thoughtful. It didn't work. I'm sure I just looked like I was trying not to lie too badly. "I do now."

"So you've got nothing ready?"

"I have food, it's not cooked though."

"Do you want me to do it?"

"Huh?"

"You'll probably burn down the Gym or something."

"I would not, I'm completely fine. I've been fine all day you know."

"No you haven't."

"Yeah, I have. I was only ever just fucked up enough to find everything funny. I am totally safe like that. I could have battled and still won."

"Sure you could have. I'll go back to the Gym and figure something out if you stay with the kid until he wakes up."

"Fine. I could do it myself you know."

"Is Jasmine coming?"

"No, she's busy. Just Falkner, Whitney, Bugsy and you, why?"

"Because it's almost four, if Jasmine's not coming I'll just go pick some things up from the Olivine Dining Room."

"That's cheating."

"They won't know."

"Fine." I rolled my eyes. I'd meant to make something properly, I'd even gone shopping the night before so I had everything. There was always next time, it wasn't like they didn't come over every few weeks anyway. So I swapped with Eusine and went in to check on the kid, while he went down to Olivine to pick up some food so I didn't look like a total loser in front of everyone. I was right though, the kid did have a broken ankle. He wouldn't be able to stay at the Centre for very long though, it's not a big one in Ecruteak. If anything serious happens we just get the Centre in Goldenrod to take them on, they're much bigger. Gengar was sitting on the end of the kid's bed examining the cast on his ankle.

"Don't touch that." I warned him. "Or I'll throw something at your face." He just laughed at me and touched the kid's leg anyway. "Hey, I told you not to do that."

"Huh?" I swear, that was the first thing the kid said when he woke up. I thought he was just stupid but I guess it was pretty acceptable since he'd been knocked out with Hypnosis. Just.

"Hey kid, what's your name?"

"Gold. Huh? What happened?"

"You ruined my Sunday because you fell and broke your ankle and Eusine made me come with him to rescue you even though I'm sure he could have done it by himself." I said.

"I broke my ankle?"

"Yeah. The nurse says it's not too bad. You can't stay here though, the Centre is full up."

"I can't?"

"No. They'll have to move you to Goldenrod."

"But I just came from there."

"Looks like you're going back."

"Oh."

Gengar jumped down to the floor and tugged on my scarf. Whatever it was couldn't have been too important since he pretty much had my attention anyway. I don't think I'll ever understand why the Ghosts do that. Seriously, when there's no one else around, where is my attention going to be? He made a few gestures and I sighed.

"Hey kid, you can stay in the Gym." I was trying to sound enthusiastic. I mean, it's my job to take in people when they need it and I don't really mind as long as they clean up after themselves and stay out of my things.

"The Gym?"

"Are you stupid or just half-conscious?"

"Both." He said after a pause.

"I'm Morty, leader of the Ecruteak Gym. I'll have someone come around later to pick you up. You should try to sleep off some of that stupidity."

"Yeah, okay."

That kid really was stupid.

So I went back to the Gym with Gengar following close behind like always. I had no idea when Eusine would be back with the food and I had no idea what time I'd told everyone to show up for dinner. Bugsy would be late like he always was, but I could overlook that because Ecruteak is a pretty long walk from Azalea. I suppose that he wasn't late that night thought because I didn't remember what time I'd said. It was only a short walk back to the Gym but it was nice and peaceful. I think that's why I like Ecruteak so much, even when it's busy it never feels rushed. I told Whitney that over dinner, she couldn't imagine living anywhere else but the big city. I guess everyone feels like that in a way though. They wouldn't live where they do if they didn't feel something for the place. The best part about Ecruteak is that I know Sundays are always quiet, so even though my one day off had been ruined this week by that stupid kid who I had somehow invited to both dinner and to stay at my Gym, it would happen again next week. And you know what? The next week, I locked myself in the Gym where Eusine couldn't find me, and I got completely fucking wasted.


	2. Where the Wild Starly Are

Disclaimer for safety: I take no rights for any of it.

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Okay so the problem with telling you stories about things that happen to me is that a lot of the time, I'm not telling you what I remember. I'm telling you things I've picked up in the days or weeks or months after the event. And that's not always a good thing when you think about it, is it? I mean, people lie. No one's going to be the one to tell me the truth. Like the time last Christmas, when we were all down in Azalea Town for the holidays. It's a pretty secluded place, right? No one cares what you do down there unless you're making a scene or something. Then the people that live there get a bit annoyed with you. But if you're just hanging out and having a good time over Christmas with some of your closest friends, one of which just happens to be the leader in that exact town, no one will call you out on anything. And that's why I didn't find out until March that I'd fallen asleep halfway through dinner. Jasmine eventually made me apologise to Bugsy for the months of complaints about him not even having the decency to make us dessert on Christmas. Apparently he made about six different kinds of pie. I swear, that kid is a genius. No one even considered waking me up.

But I digress. The story I'm going to tell you today has nothing to do with Christmas except in the most round-about and possibly vaguely metaphorical way possible. It's also a bit awkward in retrospect. Just a bit. A lot. Depending who you ask. And typically it's one of those things where it's my word against someone else's and both versions of the story are almost completely opposite. Well, if you ask me it wasn't my fault but if you ask Falkner, it was most definitely my fault. He thinks that none of it would have happened if I'd be sober. I think it would have but that's not really the point either. The point is this: that Sunday afternoon happened. And to tell you the truth, I kind of hope it happens again.

We were out on Route 37 together. Falkner was doing some research into the local birdlife; lately there have been a few reports of stray Starly in the area. Obviously they've gotten lost somewhere because they're native to Sinnoh. Incidentally, I've got Falkner about sixty percent convinced we should go over to Sinnoh sometime. Because it's such a rare event Falkner decided that he wanted to collect as much data as he could before the opportunity passed. So I let him do that. He was climbing trees and crawling through the grass trying to do counts of the wild Starly. He calls it research and it probably was, but he seemed like he was having so much fun that research didn't seem to be the word. I know I spent a good half an hour trying to think of a new word for what he was doing, a kind of 'fun-research' hybrid. I know that when I do research it's not the most exciting thing in the world, but that's because I have to read through ancient history books a lot of the time, not climb trees. But climbing trees is research to Falkner and I wasn't going to tell him otherwise. But he did not appreciate it when I laughed so loudly at the grass in his hair that half the flock flew away.

"Morty." He sighed.

"What?"

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?" I sniggered.

"You know what."

"I don't know what."

"You do, you jerk."

"It was an accident, I swear." I sniggered again here, the grass was still in his hair. I think it was actually a twig.

"Morty."

"What?"

"Do you realise what you just did?"

"I accidentally scared the birds?"

"Yeah. You know what that means?"

"I know I'm hungry."

"You're an idiot."

"You know it's just part of my charm."

"No. Just, no, Morty."

"No what?" I asked. Gengar had come back by then; he'd been off playing with the wild Stantler. There was no one else out on the road except for me and Falkner. Neither of us were going to be scared of a Gengar diving at us for attention. Small children, on the other hand, they usually scream. It's hilarious even when you're not off your face.

Falkner spent about fifteen minutes yelling about one thing or another, about how I'd ruined his research and messed up his count and now he'd have to wait for hours just so the Starly would calm down and settle again. I wasn't listening the whole time because, well, he was boring me. And seriously, the area we're in looks fucking amazing in Spring. The grass smells incredible and the flowers are so much brighter than they are any other time. Maybe they get tired halfway through the season and stop being so colourful. And I fucking love Winter, don't get me wrong. There is nothing better than snow. There were so many things happening that were more interesting than getting yelled at though. There was a Stantler chasing a Pidgey, a Pidgey fighting for territory with a Starly and a Ledyba slowly creeping up behind Falkner. That one I didn't want to tell him about. He'd figure it out eventually. Or maybe he wouldn't but I really just wanted to see him freak out; he's not the biggest fan of bugs. I asked him a while back and he didn't really admit it but that's part of the reason he trains birds. Which makes sense, I guess. Birds eat bugs, sometimes anyway. What was my point again?

Falkner was being boring and yelling at me. I'll admit that I'd probably gotten a little bit carried away. I like a nice Sunday out in the sun like anyone else and yeah, I'm going to do whatever I like on the one day a week that I don't take any Gym battles. And unless there's something that I really have to do on a Sunday, 'whatever I like' usually means 'getting wasted and watching infomercials for six hours'. Which isn't as boring as it sounds. That was in the middle of winter at least. Now that it's Spring again and nice outside, I'm not going to waste that. I spend most of the week inside because that's the way my Gym is set up. Seriously, kids these days are impossible to scare. I've decked out the Gym with the dimmest lighting possible and I deliberately haven't had any repairs done to the dripping drainpipes, and to top it off I let the Ghosts run about freely as long as they don't interfere with battles. Not one kid in over a year has been even a little bit scared. Can you imagine if I set up my Gym with a kind of warm, friendly, open to the sunshine kind of feel? Bugsy gets away with it. It'd look like a moron. And considering this was one of the nicest days of the season so far, I got a bit carried away. So sue me. Now I'm just stalling because I really can't remember anything that Falkner was saying.

Right. That Ledyba was closing in on him and I was finding it even harder to keep a straight face. He was still yelling about how I ruined his research for the day. I was off my fucking face by that point. Sound about right? It's close enough. I had to stop him, I really did. If I just kept laughing at him he'd start to think that I'd lost all respect for him.

"Falkner?"

"What?"

"How about some tea?"

"What?" He was frustrated. I don't blame him. Here he was trying to make a point and I was just ignoring him.

"Tea."

"What about it?"

"Do you want some tea?"

"No I don't want some tea, I want you to fucking listen to me. I don't come into your study and tear out pages from your books so I don't know why you'd go out of your way to fuck up my research. Once in a lifetime, Morty. No one has ever seen Starly in the wild here before. Do you know what that means? It means that first hand data, that's what I'm trying to collect, by the way, is really fucking important."

"I know Falkner." I didn't know. I was still watching the Ledyba behind him.

"So what the fuck is your problem? Do you want me to go and burn your manuscripts?"

"My manuscripts are eight hundred years old."

"So they're important to you."

"Of course they are." I was on my feet by then for some reason. I'm pretty sure that once I was up I'd forgotten the reason I'd left the ground. "Turn around."

"What?"

"Turn around." I said. Even in the state I was in, I knew how to end the conversation. It took me a minute to remember the reason I was standing but I got there in the end. So Falkner turned and finally saw the Ledyba sitting only a few inches from his feet. Then, in what I can't possibly describe without laughing, he made the strangest noise I have ever heard. It was a kind of panicked scream that was only half as manly as he'd hoped it to be. I swear, I almost fell over I was laughing so hard at his reaction. "Come on."

"What was that? You knew that was there the whole time, didn't you? You prick, you did!" He added. I was probably grinning like an idiot so I wasn't exactly keeping very good secrets.

"Okay, I did." I tried to tone down the whole 'grinning like a maniac' thing once I had my hands on his shoulders. There's nothing reassuring about having a madman hanging off you, is there? "But that scream? What was that all about?" Cue maniacal grin.

"Those things are huge."

"I know." It was condescending and I knew it but if it was going to stop him from sulking for the next six hours, then I had no other choice. If Falkner sulked for the next six hours, he'd totally kill my mood.

"You're silently laughing at me on the inside, aren't you?"

Yeah. I was. I was laughing hard and to this day I'll still bring up that scream if I need to win an argument. But I needed to pretend that I wasn't laughing so hard on the inside or, like I said before, Falkner would just get even more annoyed with me and that'd ruin the afternoon. I have no idea why the shouting didn't affect me that way. But anyway, I had to shut him up and prove that I wasn't being a total jerk about it, so I kissed him. Nothing special, nothing dramatic, just enough to let him know that I was kind of a little bit sorry for ruining his research for the afternoon.

"Morty."

"What?"

"That doesn't count as an apology."

"It doesn't?"

"You ruined my research into something that hasn't ever been seen before, let alone studied."

"So?"

"So? Seriously? Once in a lifetime, Morty."

"Relax. They'll be back at about six o'clock." I said.

"How do you know?"

"I know what colour your underwear will be on Tuesday. The birds will come back. Now can we go? I'm starving."

"I,"

"Shh, you'll scare the birds." I said. I remember that I pressed a finger to his mouth to stop him talking any more. I was really hungry by then and seriously, he tried to bite my finger off. I'm not going to forget that anytime soon. I guess I kind of deserved it for that kind of comment but he didn't have to get violent about it. I don't know what I got for that, by the way. Falkner says that he just rolled his eyes and we went back to my Gym, but I think he at least slapped me in the face. He couldn't punch me if he tried; I'd know he was going to do it before the thought had even started to form in his head.

"Do you think that my Nurse is really your Nurse as well?"

"Just pour the tea, Morty."

"No, seriously. You never see two Nurses together, do you? Maybe there's only one and she visits all the Centres somehow."

"It's stewing."

"Maybe she's got a matter-transporter. That's how she moves so fast."

"Okay, you've ruined it now, it's going to be bitter."

"What? Oh, shit, I was making tea, wasn't I?"

"No, you've been ruining tea."

"How did I ruin it? It tastes fine, oh shit, why didn't you tell me it was hot?" Yes, that did all come out as once sentence. I don't really remember the walk home but I remember burning my throat on bitter tea. Hey, I was wasted, not braindead. I can tell when I've let the leaves stew for too long.

"Give me that." Falkner stacked my cup into his empty one and stood up from the floor. He took the pot as well and started to make a fresh batch. That left me to drop my head onto the table. I didn't even consider resting my head on my arms. The table was there, its job is to hold things up, it made sense at the time, probably.

"Top shelf." I said without looking up.

"Thanks."

That's one of the things that I like about Falkner. He never really gets angry when I tell him things that are about to happen. Like telling him where I moved the tea leaves to? He appreciated that. Knowing what the wind will do before he has the chance to predict it through patterns? It takes out the guesswork on his part. Whitney will completely flip out if I tell her to be careful with the glass she's about to knock over, let alone that time I told her she was going to lose all her Gym matches for a week. She did. And then she told me to stay the hell out of her future because it felt like I was invading her space. I'm pretty sure she just didn't like the fact that she lost. So I don't tell her things like that anymore. Falkner though, he'd listen for hours if we both didn't have our own Gyms to run. On Tuesday when we were eating dinner I told him all about the dream I was going to have that night. I don't remember what it was about now but I knew then. He just listened, nodding once in a while and indulging me like a child. When we woke up on Wednesday he asked me if I'd dreamt the dream I'd seen myself having. I had. So he listened to me repeat myself while we had breakfast; he had to leave as soon as we'd eaten though, the first Gym challenges usually begin just after nine.

"Morty."

"Hm?"

"Tea."

"What about it?"

"Do you want some?"

"Yeah. Oh, there's a tin of cookies on the shelf as well, can you bring those as well?"

"Morty."

"What?"

"Look up."

"Why?"

"I'm already back at the table."

"Oh right." I laughed. "But the cookies..?" Falkner would have rolled his eyes at me here. Come on, you should know by now that I'm much better at remembering the future than the past. So Falkner made possibly the biggest mistake he could have at this point and went to collect the cookies without asking what kind they were. Big mistake on his part. See, I was sobering up by then and I knew it. But it was only three in the afternoon and that meant I had a lot more of the day left to waste. I had every intention to waste it properly and not even Falkner was going to talk me out of doing just that.

You can guess why I wanted those cookies, can't you? What? You can't? Seriously, try to keep up. I ate three of them before Falkner caught on to what I was doing. I'm not sure where the tin went after that but I guess he hid it in the back of the cupboard or something because that's where I found it a few days later.

"Falkner?"

"What?"

"It's raining."

"And?"

"So it's cold outside, right?"

"Right?"

"So why is my face cold if I'm inside and the rain is outside?"

"Maybe it's because you've got your face pressed up against the window."

"But the window is inside. Or is it? If the window is the window, is it inside or outside? Because the window is the thing that tells you where the outside starts but does it start on the inside of the building or the outside?"

"Morty,"

"Shit, what did I just say?" I laughed.

"I have no idea."

I tore my face off the window just in time to see Falkner peering at me through one eye. I remember that he was sitting cross-legged on the futon like he was meditating; he wasn't, he was watching me acting like an idiot and secretly loving every minute of it.

"Can we go for a walk?"

"In the rain?"

"Yeah, I bet it's nice outside."

"I bet it's cold and raining."

"It's still light."

"Barely."

"It'll be fun."

"It won't."

"Falkner."

"What?"

"Why is it raining if it was sunny before?"

"It's early Spring, the weather can be unpredictable. You should have known it was going to rain."

"My head's been a bit... hazy. Today. Yeah."

"You told me the Starly would come back."

"They did. They're up in the trees trying to stay out of the rain. Oh! We should go and visit Bugsy, you know he heats his Gym. It'll be warm there."

"I'm not walking all the way to Azalea in the rain."

"It'll be great."

"You'll catch a cold. Again."

"You can catch a Starly." Obviously, I meant that as some kind of deal-closing chat-up line. It didn't come out nearly as smooth as I'd hoped.

"You have met yourself, right?"

"Once or twice, yeah."

"So you know what you're like when you're sick."

"I want to go outside. Do you want to come or not?"

And I don't know if it was because I managed to sound like I was halfway sober or because he knew I'd go alone anyway, Falkner sighed and stood up and went to find an umbrella.

He would never admit it but getting stuck in the rain like that was actually a pretty nice moment. If you remove the fact we were wet. And that we couldn't actually see any of the Starly because they'd hidden themselves so well. And that I was still wasted. And that Falkner wasn't entirely happy with me because I'd let the umbrella get caught in an updraft and that's why we were wet. But aside from that, it was nice. I mean, the whole 'sitting under a tree together because it started to pour and we didn't really want to run back to Ecruteak when there was a perfectly good dry patch under said tree' thing. That was nice. And the part that involved a decent amount of groping. I am all for remembering that part, especially the bit where I somehow managed to pin Falkner to the ground without laughing. And the bit where I managed to get a hand down his pants without him noticing until it was too late. That was nice. It was just after that when I fucked it all up though. It wasn't all my fault and technically, although he'll argue you on it, it was Falkner's fault for taking advantage of me when I was in a very, very influential state of mind. Or so I like to call it. Anyway, I knelt on a rock and started laughing and sort of just collapsed on top of him. I couldn't take it seriously after that. I tried, or I thought about it but that meant moving. It was probably for the best though. Remember how way back at the beginning I told you that something pretty embarrassing happened and that was the whole point of this story? It could have been a lot worse.

So, Falkner lying on his back, me collapsed on top of him still sniggering like a fifteen year old, my hand down his pants. Then, a group of kids out of nowhere suddenly come rushing around the corner presumably trying to get to the Pokemon Centre in Ecruteak before they get any wetter. You know where this is going, don't you? You can probably guess. And you'd be right. Cue the kids laughing, me getting hysterical again, Falkner removing my hand – reluctantly, I'll bet – and then him not speaking to me for two days. It might have only been a little bit of a grope out in the dirt, but it was fucking worth it. Falkner didn't get any more research done that night that I know of and I fell asleep on the kitchen floor as soon as we got back to my Gym. The prick didn't even get me a pillow. As always, it's my word against his and he says it was a lot more than 'a little bit of a grope' which is why it was so embarrassing. He says it was a lot more than that. I don't remember getting that much action so it couldn't have happened.

There isn't a neat ending to this story because a lot of shit happened in the days after that, like Falkner not talking to me and me having to go to Violet to win him over with a poor little Starly with an injured wing (that was a convenient, if sad, find on the walk there). And it wasn't all that long ago so he still brings it up every time I fuck something up, but still. It could have been a lot more embarrassing for both of us. And seriously, I was the one with my hand down his pants and those kids had to challenge me the next day. I think I'll leave you with that image, those kids' faces when they realised their next Gym challenge was against the guy they'd seen off his face the afternoon before, probably doing more than innocently groping another Gym Leader under a tree in the rain. Yeah, they were laughing. And seriously, me telling them not to laugh at something that isn't funny? It'd be just a little bit hypocritical, don't you think?


	3. Halloweed In Ecruteak

Disclaimer: Again, no, not mine, never have been. Enjoy.

* * *

I guess you could say that I'm a pretty traditional kind of guy, right? I mean, living in Ecruteak it's hard not to be because the atmosphere is so, well, traditional. I know that I don't dress like it every day but that's because pretty much every day I'm fighting battles and it gets a bit annoying. That and I own way more pants than anything else so it makes sense. But anything half important? I see no reason not to go all traditional, it's just what I know.

And I know that I'm nowhere near as traditional as Falkner is but I couldn't wear that every day. I couldn't be fucked putting it all on in the mornings and trust me, I know from experience how hard it is to get it all off in a hurry and to be honest, I don't want to be stuck in it if I suddenly need to piss. Which isn't the greatest opening imagery ever but the whole thing is leading up to a point so go with me. In most ways I'm pretty likely to be called 'traditional'.

While the set-up in my gym is pretty advanced, it's the most advanced thing in town by a long way, the next being the Pokemon Centre. And yeah, I live in part of the Gym so it's not the most traditional home ever, I mean, I've got floorboards and windows and indoor plumbing. And I'm not married to a pretty girl and I don't have kids, neither of which will ever happen, and I'd rather spend my weekends staring at the tv instead of in a temple, and you know what? This isn't helping my case. I don't mind the traditional things because they show us how we got to where we are today. But as you can probably guess, my favourite holiday? Always, forever, it's going to be Halloween.

As a kid I always liked Halloween because I've always liked ghosts, which is why I became a Ghost trainer. This is interesting stuff I know but shut up, I've only just started. You know what's coming, a ton of shit about how this Halloween went, so I'll get to it eventually. I remember one year, before I had any Pokemon, that I made a Ghastly out of paper and stuck him to my shoulder when I went outside.

And I remember it being the most fun I'd ever had at Halloween and that's when I figured that I wanted it to be Halloween all the time so I started reading about Ghost types so when I was old enough I could start training them straight away, I just wanted Ghosts. It didn't help that not long after I started all of that, I Saw myself training a Ghastly one night in a dream so I knew that it'd all work out in the end.

Anyway, Halloween. That's the story about why I like it and now that I'm an adult I don't see why I should like it any less than I did when I was six. It's mostly a kids' holiday, yeah, but I still look forward to it every year. This Halloween? It was great. Of course it was great. Fine, I'll get to that bit now. Hang on, I'm hungry.

So I woke up late on Sunday and I'm not telling you why but I will say that Falkner was still there, we were both lacking clothing and really needed a shower. But that's all you're getting because I once accidentally mentioned a tiny, tiny detail about our sex life to Whitney and Falkner got all angry and embarrassed so I really try not to do it anymore. Not that any of that helped his case and to be honest it made the sex straight after that a whole lot better because (EDIT: He's given me full licence to remove sections that I feel are inappropriate. I'm removing this section. –Falkner.)

Huh. I guess that was too far. Anyway. There's not much that happened during the day that's worth mentioning because it was all really boring and just general Sunday things that I do when Falkner is here. Because some weeks he stays home in Violet and some weeks he spends the whole day out on his glider because he's crazy like that, I much prefer the ground under my feet all the time. He's taken me once or twice and I haven't really liked it. I get airsick so that doesn't help but it's mostly being so far from that ground that worries me. It's not solid enough.

And I know that's hypocritical since my pokemon are only solid when they want to be but whatever, right? And Falkner is smaller than I am. He's more suited to being in the air. I just looked stupid. So we just did the normal, boring Sunday things. That means that I cleaned the Gym and my bedroom and kitchen and everything, and I did the washing so that I had clean pants for the whole week. And I washed the towels as well. And the sheets. They needed to be washed. And we had something to eat and by the time all of that had been done it was about three in the afternoon and all of the Halloween festivities were supposed to start at about four.

And by festivities, I mean that there's a small thing in Ecruteak for Halloween, it's mostly aimed at children but I wasn't about to miss it and Falkner knew that. So there was still an hour and he needed to go and do some things back home so he left and we agreed to meet up at about six. He's not as crazy about Halloween as I am. I mean, he likes it and all but he'd probably like falling off a building more than following me around for a few hours more than he has to. He jumps off buildings all the time, by the way. True story.

So this festival is something that I've been going to since I was a kid and I don't really want to just stop. That's why, as you might have noticed, I spent the whole day completely sober. And it was a Sunday so it felt like a total waste of an opportunity but that was alright, if I'd started smoking anything too early I probably would have decided to stay in and watch infomercials instead of going out. And the festival isn't even huge or anything, I said before that it's meant for kids. I just fucking like it, okay? Stop judging me. But because it was late and I was just about to leave anyway and Falkner was all the way over in Violet, I had a nice cup of tea and some biscuits.

Yes. Biscuits. My biscuits. While Falkner wasn't there to stop me. I made them myself. And I don't share them. Not the sharing biscuits, the good biscuits. The really good biscuits. Do you get what I'm trying to say? Really? Well, I can't make it any clearer. Actually, I can. By the time I'd stashed some in my pocket for later (in a paper bag, not just in my pocket, I'm not retarded) and made it halfway through town, I was just nicely baked. Like I wasn't falling all over the place laughing but it was hard to keep a straight face with all the kids in costumes running past. They looked hilarious and they kept falling over and running in to things.

I had Sableye on my shoulder and Gengar beside me and they weren't being very helpful. I mean, you know what Gengar's like at the best of times and he's not exactly going to help me keep a straight face. He gets a kick out of me making an idiot of myself. Sableye is learning quickly. He spent the whole time grabbing my hair and sticking his fingers in my ears.

Okay so this next bit you won't believe because no one does but it happened, I swear it did. I think Bugsy believes me a little but that was probably only so I stopped talking at him about it. I was walking through Ecruteak and I turned a few corners here and there and I stopped to pat a stray pokemon. Gengar wasn't very impressed because the attention wasn't on him and Sableye was probably concentrating on trying to rip my brain out of my ears which would have made an impressive costume.

I wasn't really dressed up, by the way. I think I forgot to mention that. I'm too old to dress up for the festival but for Whitney's party? I planned on dressing up for that. Nothing impressive but still. So I was standing there for a while patting this pokemon on the head and it didn't move, it just sat there patiently waiting for me to finish what I was doing. It took a while because I would pat it, then pat Gengar, then pat it again because they felt different. Gengar, fuzzy as always, laughed while I tried to figure out how the stray felt like the ocean. Yes, it felt like the ocean, I can't think if a better description.

And I fed it a biscuit from my pocket because it was nice and it seemed hungry and Gengar laughed again but that could have been because Sableye poked me in the eye. It seemed pretty happy with that so I patted it again and folded up the paper bag to put it back in my pocket and when I finished doing that, the pokemon was gone.

'Oh,' I said, patting Gengar as we started walking again. 'I think that might have been Suicune. That's nice. I'll tell Eusine later.' Gengar just grinned.

It was good timing from Suicune because I was only a street away from Eusine's house. He wasn't there because he's been staying in Goldenrod a lot lately for some reason, I think he's seeing a girl from the city. But it was nice to think that Suicune chose the next street over to sit in. Probably because it was quiet, the festival was only another few streets away over near the Dance Theatre.

I wasn't going to stay for very long because I had to get to Whitney's by seven but an appearance from the Gym Leader looks impressive to all the kids, because they don't know that their Gym Leader is off his face. That's why I don't mind kids, they just go 'oh wow, this grown up is so much fun, he wants to talk to us and he'll play with us forever without getting bored'. They don't go 'holy shit you're in a position of authority and power why the fuck are you wasted especially out in public' like adults do.

So that's what I did for an hour at the festival, I talked to kids and played with pokemon and Gengar scared them and so did Sableye, I'm so proud of him for learning so quickly. It was a lot of fun and everything but the kids were getting a bit sick of it all after a while and wanted to go trick-or-treating so I left when most of them did, heading back to the Gym to see what I could do about a costume. I figured that I could just look scary, kind of like I was dressed up as Halloween itself. It's lazy, I know, but it always works. And I was standing at the front door trying to find my key to the Gym when I heard footsteps behind me.

'This is a drugs bust.'

Now, this isn't the most elegant part of the story. None of it is but this is one of the worse parts. Those aren't exactly the words you want to hear when you're wasted, on your way to a party and have a very suspicious pocketful of biscuits. Even Gengar sensed the seriousness of the situation. Sableye knew it as well because he dug his fingers into my scalp. I dropped the keys. And then I ran.

Gengar darted through the wall into the house and I turned the corner so sharply that Sableye probably tore out a handful of hair. Which hurt, but it wasn't really my main concern. I looped around the Gym and came back around to the front from the other direction, walking as quietly as my paranoid little mind would let me. I didn't really know what to do next because 'run' was the only thing I could think of to do, but I moved slowly so I was standing behind the guy. I think my plan was 'scare him on Halloween and tell him that the Leader is at the festival', but I'm not sure.

'The Leader is at the festival, you know.'

'Is he?'

'Yeah.'

'You wouldn't be lying, would you?'

'No.'

'You knew it was me, didn't you?'

'You made a few mistakes.' I grinned like an idiot now that I could.

'What?'

'You snuck up on me. Police can't sneak. They wear boots and they make too much noise even when they're being quiet. Drugs bust? That was a bad choice but it was obvious anyway. And I dreamt about it happening last night anyway.'

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'Because I liked all the effort when I Saw it so I thought I'd let you do it. It wouldn't have changed if I'd told you anyway because you know it never does.'

'Were you getting changed?'

'I'm going to collect some cobwebs from the ceiling.'

'Hurry up then, you know what happened last time we were late to one of Whitney's parties.'

Whitney made a big deal at the door.

'Falkner, is that a joke?'

'Why?'

'If it is, it's a good one.'

'Is it?' Falkner looked confused. I leant in close to his ear.

'She means that you're dressed like that and I'm wasted, it's like a joke, get it?'

'Is it really funny if you have to explain it?'

'Yes.' I said. I'd had a few more biscuits on the walk, okay three biscuits on the walk and it wouldn't be too long before they kicked in. I saw Eusine inside already sitting with a girl so I hurried past Whitney, who was wearing some kind of costume so low cut that she was practically falling out everywhere, and left Falkner to go and save Bugsy from a conversation with someone that looked at least twice his age.

'Eusine,'

'I'm busy, Morty.'

'Not too busy.'

'I kind of am.'

'No you're not.'

I think he sighed here.

'I –'

'I think I saw Suicune before.'

'What?'

Eusine almost dropped his glass. He's hilarious like that.

'You what?'

'Yeah, I patted him and he felt like the ocean I gave him a biscuit.'

'You did what?'

'He liked it too.'

'You gave Suicune a biscuit?'

'Yeah.'

'One of yours?'

'Yes.'

'The ones you make yourself so full of drugs that you're not supposed to eat more than two if you're leaving your house?'

'Oh, shit, wow, I forgot about that. Yeah those ones.' I grinned. I was silently shitting myself inside though. I'd eaten five. I'd forgotten that five would bring on the mild paranoia. It was okay though. Gengar and Sableye were acting as distractions. Because they're so 'cute' and 'hilarious', no one notices if I'm asleep on the floor.

'MORTY! FUCK!' Eusine yelled. This time he did drop his drink and I laughed so hard that if I'd been drinking it, it would have come out of my nose. Which hurts, by the way. Then Eusine was gone and I had to finish talking to his girl and explain that he's a fucking lunatic. Now, because I'd eaten five biscuits and I was kind of paranoid and tired and laughing too much, I don't know what happened at that party. I really don't. I'm sorry, but that's what you get for eating so many of them all at once.

(EDIT: It was a generic Halloween party. Morty fell asleep in Whitney's spare room half an hour after Eusine left. Bugsy was alright in the end, he hasn't worked out that he needs to dress more obviously to avoid confusion. Whitney threw up. Kids rang the doorbell and Bugsy handed out whatever he could find to them which is how Whitney lost one of her favourite sweaters. But that's another story. I spent the whole night with Gengar and Sableye. I still don't know if any of this made it into a successful Halloween. –Falkner.)

So. Well. Yeah. I kind of fucked up on that one. There's no real adventure to the story because I did kind of fall asleep. I had to convince Falkner to write that last section in for me because I wanted this to have some kind of ending. And I'm really sorry but that's what happens sometimes. I'm not the smartest guy out there and I'm pretty sure you've figured out by now that I've got a weak spot for soft drugs. What can you expect, really? I found out later from Eusine though, he couldn't find Suicune anywhere around Ecruteak. I have no idea what happened with that but I hope I gave the legendary beast a new reason to like people, I hope he had a good Halloween. Whitney tried to talk Bugsy into taking me off the list for Christmas because I fell asleep at her party. He just laughed and asked me what I wanted for dessert. He's organised, it's not even December yet. But I swear, Christmas? I'm going to do it right. I'll be sober and I'll help out and I won't laugh like a maniac every time something happens on the tv. I swear. It'll be great (Don't get your hopes up. –Falkner.).


	4. Best Conference Weekend Ever

Disclaimer: Again, no, never mine.

* * *

There are just some words that strike fear into the heart of a person, you know? For Falkner, it's 'electrical storm'. Whitney's scared of a lot of things. Mostly things that involve getting lost alone in the middle of the night, or the Department Store running low on the stock of her favourite shampoo. Bugsy isn't scared of anything as far as I know. I think it's because he's still so young. Kids aren't really scared of anything these days. Okay, so he's not exactly a kid but he's still young. Teenagers are invincible, or they think they are. I don't know if Bugsy thinks he's invincible or not. He probably does. But that thing I was just saying, about how there's one word that can scare you stupid? Mine is stupid to begin with. It only happens once every two years but that's way too often for my liking. I'd like it more if it was only once every four years or something because then I'd have more time in between. But this one event that scares me? The Bi-Annual National Gym Leaders' Association Meeting.

Why is that so petrifying? I'm not worried about losing my Gym. I'm not worried about the funding I get being lower again this year, I'm doing pretty well in that area. I mean, I'm doing well because I don't repair minor damage because I feel like it adds to the atmosphere and everything. What? I run a Ghost Gym, I've got to at least try to make the kids scared. I'm not worried about all these fancy Leaders coming in from Hoenn and Sinnoh. Why should I be? I can't even think of any other towns with as much history as Ecruteak. I'm sure they exist, I really just can't remember them. Anyway, that thing I'm scared of? I'm worried that I'll fuck up in from of all those other Gym Leaders. Last conference I spent the whole 'this is how you keep your wins up' lecture staring at the lighbulb above the podium. At least it looked like I was paying attention. That is until Falkner accidentally elbowed me when he moved and I started laughing. He escorted me out of the hall and made me sit on the floor outside until I calmed down. I never heard the end of that lecture.

I know how it's going to end. I really do. I'm going to make an idiot out of myself but it's going to be worth it. The Leaders start arriving tomorrow. They'll be staying in the towns around Olivine, because that's where it's going to be held. But I can't tell you the whole story before I've lived it, can I? Because sometimes I'm wrong. Maybe I won't make an idiot out of myself. Maybe something will stop me from looking like a moron at the conference. Maybe.

Okay. Wow. I didn't make an idiot out of myself at the conference. Do you know why? I didn't even make it to the conference. And before you start, all 'oh, look, Morty slept through it again' or 'oh look, Morty got trapped in the vortex of infomercials again', I didn't. At least not the whole time. I can't help it. I like infomercials. I don't ever buy anything from them but I fucking love the idea that they'll give you extra shit for free. I bet it's not free, I bet they charge you for it somehow. But anyway. The conference.

From what I hear it went pretty well and everything, so Falkner says anyway. He won't tell me if anything important or interesting happened because he says I should have been there and that I let Ecruteak down because I let my personal life get in the way. Which isn't entirely true because he's pretty involved in my personal life and he made it to the conference just fine.

I was playing personal host to a couple of guys from Sinnoh. Because the Gym's living space is pretty small when you think about it I was only going to take on one of them, but they said that it didn't matter and then did some kind of rock-paper-scissors game to see who had to sleep on the couch. The redhead lost. A couple of their friends, other Sinnoh leaders were in Ecruteak as well because when the conference was being organised I volunteered Eusine's place without asking him. I thought it was funny, he didn't. But he had the leader from Oreburgh, Roark, I think it was, staying with him as well as one of the girls from Hoenn. Falkner was against the whole 'leaving me on my own with two out of town leaders' thing for obvious reasons. The obvious reason was that he personally hadn't checked my spare room in months but I'm sure that was just because he couldn't remember if he'd left anything in there or not. He hadn't, as it turned out. The less obvious reason was that one of them wasn't even a Leader; Falkner didn't want me to make an idiot out of myself in front of the Sinnoh Elite Four representative. I did.

"So this one is my room and that one is the spare room and the couch is back there and I think I'm going to make some tea do you want some?"

Flint and Volkner just stared at me when I stopped in the hallway. I just stared back. Someone would have to say something eventually, right? And besides, I'd asked the question. If they didn't answer then they'd look like the morons. Bigger morons, anyway. I'd known them long enough to walk back from Olivine and I was already spouting bullshit.

"Yeah," Volkner replied slowly. Or maybe I just thought he said it slowly. "Which room was yours again?" He sniggered.

"That one's mine and that one's where you can sleep."

He was baiting me. I walked away then because I really wanted to make the tea, I really just felt like I needed it, you know? Maybe you don't. But I needed the tea so I walked away; at least it looked like I was just giving them space to settle in. I heard them muttering to themselves as they walked back down the hall a few minutes later, it was something about Johto being warmer than most of Sinnoh, I'm pretty sure Volkner lives by the ocean though so I don't know what that was about.

"So, Morty,"

"Yes?" I pushed two of the cups across the table. Gengar walked through the wall that lead to the hallway outside; I guess he was going to play with the other Ghosts downstairs in the battle arena. I didn't mind. "Oh, shit, are you guys hungry? It's a pretty long trip from Sinnoh, isn't it? I've got food somewhere too. I know I've got cookies but Falkner hid them last night, oh shit, they're not really for sharing. I have some chicken that I didn't eat at lunch, do you want some chicken?"

They were staring at me again. The chicken comment might have been a bit too much.

"No, thanks." Volkner said with a smirk.

"I have other shit." I stood up from my place at the table. The floor seemed really far down that day for some reason. "Like, I've got some rice, I've always got rice. Do you eat much rice? I don't know if they have rice in Sinnoh. Me and Falkner are supposed to go to Sinnoh sometime, he's the Leader in Violet so we're always fucking busy. And I don't mean that we're busy fucking, we're not, you can't do that while the Gyms are open because I'm here and he's there and what the fuck was I talking about?"

I was sitting back at the table by then. I didn't do anything, I just stood up and talked and then sat down again. I don't know how they didn't say anything sooner.

"Fucking Gym Leaders." Volkner said.

"Oh, right. No wait, I was not." I frowned. "And I'm only fucking one of them, it's not like, all of them. Did I make you some tea?"

"Yep." Volker had a box of matches in his hand by then, just spinning them between his fingers and opening and closing the box. It was almost as if he was bored.

"So, like I was trying to say before, Morty," Flint started. I tried to sit up a little straighter because, fuck, he's Elite Four. Even I know that they deserve some fucking respect.

"Yeah?" I said casually, or I hoped it was casually.

"Are you stoned?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you."

"No way." I picked up my cup. "Don't touch the stuff. Never have. Won't. Is it obvious?"

"Yes."

"No." The simple fact that they both spoke at the same time was enough to set me off. I have no idea why it was so funny because seriously, all they did was answer the question two different ways. There's nothing funny about that. But there I was, collapsed backwards onto the floor laughing like a maniac. Haunter floated through the room then and joined in for a while, I remember he licked my face because it made me laugh even harder. I have no idea what Flint and Volkner did while I was laughing. I think they just sat there drinking their tea and talking about some project that Volkner was working on at home. Apparently he's refurbishing his Gym again. Apparently he does that a lot.

"So that's a yes I'll take it." Flint was grinning by the time I sat back up. I think I'd been on the floor for almost ten minutes.

"It's a yes to you but a no to anyone that rings or comes to the door or asks. Yeah, if they ask it's still a no. Don't fucking tell the Association, I know it's a weekday but it's late and the Gym is closed and according to their rules I'm allowed to do what I want when the Gym's closed. I just forgot that the conference was tomorrow so I forgot that I'd have someone staying here and do you want some tea? I really want to make some tea."

"Just made it." Volkner pointed to the teapot that I'd filled earlier and when I looked back there was a cigarette in his mouth.

"Don't light that."

"What?"

"Don't smoke in the house." I said.

"What?"

Volkner clearly had a limited vocabulary around people he didn't know too well.

"I don't smoke in the house."

"Bullshit you don't, Morty. I smelt it halfway up the stairs."

"Don't smoke tobacco." I grinned. "It's different."

"How is it different?"

"It just is." I said that like it was an argument worth considering. "Are you sure you're not hungry? I really do have food in the kitchen, or I did last time I checked."

"Nah, look, I don't seriously have to go outside, do I?" Volkner still had the unlit cigarette in his mouth, I remember that because I didn't answer him for almost two minutes; I was too busy wondering how he wasn't mumbling with it there. "Morty?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, you do. When you go down the stairs you have to go through the door on the left. The one on the right goes into the Gym." I said. I thought I did well, remembering all that. Volkner nodded and stood up from the floor, taking his matches and cigarettes with him and leaving me with Flint. You know, the very same Flint that is part of the Sinnoh Elite Four? The representative for the Elite at this conference? That Flint? Yeah, he was sitting at my table while I went through all the cupboards in my kitchen trying to find the cookies that Falkner had hidden again. I probably looked about seven different kinds of crazy.

"What's the plan for tomorrow then Morty?"

"Huh?" I was contemplating calling Falkner to find out where he'd put the tin but I wasn't sure where I'd left my phone.

I'm pretty sure that Flint was trying not to laugh at me. I mean, seriously. I'm playing host to the final Gym Leader in Sinnoh and their Elite Four representative and I'm talking shit at them instead of doing my job and acting like a responsible adult.

"Tomorrow, before the conference."

"Riiight." I was sitting down again. I don't remember sitting down but there I was on the floor at the table. "I don't know, what do you want to do? There's a lot of shit to see here, old shit. Buildings and towers and Kimono Girls, you'd probably like those."

"How far is it to the conference?"

"Fifteen minutes that way." I gestured in whatever direction I thought Olivine was. I was completely wrong, but Flint didn't know that. "Huh."

"What?"

"I'm really fucking tired." I said and laughed. I was leaning forwards by then, with my right elbow on the table so I could hold my head up with my hand. I was pretty sure that I was going to fall asleep right there that night. I didn't, but I sure felt like I was going to. I guess I'd just had a busy day.

"Are you just gonna go get some sleep?"

"Yeah, I think I will." I said. "Did I show you where the spare bedroom was?"

"And the couch, and the bathroom and even the cupboard full of spare bedsheets."

"Huh, I wonder why I showed you that. I didn't show you my wardrobe, did I?"

"No."

"Good." I laughed again. "I swear, in the morning I'm going to get up early and make some breakfast. Shit, did we have dinner?"

"Yeah Morty, we did."

"Okay." I think I sort of drifted out of the room at that point. I don't remember my feet touching the ground but they had to be, because I made it to bed in the end. I was lying in bed staring at the faint light coming through the crack under the door; Volkner was about to come back inside. I could see it all happening. He was going to come back up the stairs, sit down at the table and then proceed to smoke his next three cigarettes in my kitchen. I could have stopped him, I Saw it with enough time to stop him. But that meant I had to get up and I wasn't going to do that any time soon. My blankets felt softer than they usually do that night. It was seven o'clock.

So, the next morning. The day of the conference that I've already told you I didn't end up going to. So if I didn't go, you ask, then what did I do? I'll bet you can guess, right? Anyway. I woke up feeling pretty great because I'd slept so well which wasn't surprising really. I had a shower and did a head-count of the Ghosts sleeping on my floor; all there. I got dressed and went out to the kitchen to start breakfast. I wasn't joking the night before. I mean, I might have been fucked up but I'm smart enough to know that I hadn't really made the best first impression that I could have.

I hadn't really made a first impression at all. Falkner had dragged me to Olivine to pick up two foreign guests and instead of being normal and saying 'hi, welcome to Johto. I'm Morty, the leader of the Gym in Ecruteak. It's a quaint historical town where so many of our regions myths started and I help with that research. I specialise in Ghost pokemon and I'm constantly trying to improve my still somewhat limited future sight'. That would have sounded impressive. Look at it, I mean it's short and straight to the point and I look like a normal person. You know what I did instead? I almost fell off the docks because I was following Gengar and I forgot that he can balance in mid-air.

I went out to the kitchen and stared into the fridge. There weren't as many eggs left as I thought there were so I decided that I'd go without an omelette and took out the plate of leftover chicken from the day before. I'd started up the rice cooker before my shower so I just stood there, wondering what they even ate for breakfast in Sinnoh. Omelettes seem pretty universal though, don't they? You really can't go wrong there.

"Hey there, Morty. Remember you've got some houseguests?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly, Flint was awake and looking over my shoulder.

"Eggs, huh? Nice. Man, you were fucking wasted last night."

"No, I could still get up. That was nothing." I threw the fork I'd been using to whisk the eggs into the sink. "Does the kitchen smell like cigarettes to you?"

"Nah." Flint said as he finally stepped back out of my way.

"Huh, you guys must be good friends, right?"

"Why?"

"Well, for one you asked if you could stay in the same place as him so obviously you're not so hot on any of the other Sinnoh leaders," I was talking while I started the omelettes, I poured half of the egg mixture into a pan with some butter. "And you just told me that he wasn't sitting in my kitchen last night chain smoking when he was."

"Huh, wow," Flint laughed. "This is that Seer bullshit, isn't it? I'm impressed."

"Even if I hadn't Seen it," I said, turning away from the eggs for a moment so I could prove the point I was about to make, "He left his teacup full of ashes on the table."

"Shit, he did too." Flint gave me one of those 'what can you do about it' shrugs. "Nice logic though, I don't think you finished a single train of thought last night."

"That's not surprising." I said. I flipped the first omelette over onto itself and dropped a large spoonful of rice into a bowl. I flipped the eggs out on top of it and handed the whole thing to Flint.

"Thanks, man." He looked surprised by my ability to not burn my own house down.

"Chances of Volkner being awake in the next three minutes?"

"None. Days off he'll sleep until one in the afternoon if no one wakes him up."

I took that to mean that I should make my own breakfast first. I didn't bother heating up the chicken, I just took it back to the table with my rice and sat down.

"The conference is starting tonight with the general meeting at three o'clock." I explained. "Then after that there's your choice of three lectures to go to, I can't remember what the topics are. Gym Maintenance is one, I'm not going to that."

"Maintenance? Fuck, do they know Volkner practically built his Gym from the ground up?"

"Did he?"

"Yeah, it's pretty amazing. I mean shit, you'd think the guy was a qualified engineer or something."

"He's not?"

"Fuck no, it's all self-taught. He was always into all that technology crap but shit, he gets bored so Sunyshore gets solar-panel roads. He gets bored again, he sets a series of gear traps in the Gym without using any real blueprints. He gets bored again so he starts replacing sections of the roads with newer panels. It's madness." Flint was explaining. I was only half listening because I had a funny feeling in my stomach; something strange was going to happen. Not strange, either, worse than strange. It wasn't that something bad was coming because I can feel those moments long before I even See them. Falkner was fine. My Ghosts were fine. I was fine. But I had this strange feeling that something was going to happen that would disrupt the entire afternoon.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?"

Volkner had gone for a walk around Ecruteak alone. He said he wanted the time to himself before he was forced to spend the rest of the day with a bunch of people that he didn't like or want to like. I think he just wanted a chance to tear through some cigarettes; I'd told him he wouldn't have the chance to step outside once the conference started. That funny feeling? It turned out to be because of Flint. While Volkner was out walking and Flint was distracted with the tv, I was in my room sorting out some shit. And when I say that, I mean I was rolling a couple of joints to take with me to the conference because there was no way I was going to sit through that shit entirely sober. And yeah, I'd told Volkner he wouldn't get the chance to have a cigarette. I was from the hosting region, I could just spout some bullshit about needing to set up something for the next lecture if I needed to. So I thought I'd shut the door, hadn't, Flint's come along, laughed at me, the next think I know, we're sitting on the couch staring at this old movie on tv as if it's the best thing we've ever seen. That's what the fuck we were doing when Volkner walked back in.

"Flint?" Volkner said.

"Yeah?" Flint replied slowly.

"Fuck you, man."

"What?"

"Fuck you. I though you quit smoking."

"You can't talk, pal, you smoke a pack a day."

"You know what I mean, Flint."

"No I don't."

"You said you quit that shit when they bumped you up to the Four."

"Yeah, I did, but y'know, it's only sometimes. Like, really rarely now."

"Fuck you." Volkner was apparently very fond of the word 'fuck'. I watched as he reached into his jacket pocket and put a cigarette in his mouth; he had to go back to the pocket for his matches but I didn't bother telling him not to. It wasn't as if the room wasn't obviously filled with smoke already. That and I was busy staring at this commercial for some new kind of soda. "Morty," He said sharply.

"Yeah?"

"Olivine. Which way?"

"Head West out of town. Follow the path."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. Just relax, look, I've got plenty more if you want some."

Volkner had a strange look on his face, like he was torn between joining us and leaving so he didn't look like an idiot for making such a big deal of it in the first place. He left, just like that. He didn't even say anything else. Flint told me later on that he was probably pissed off because they didn't have the time to get wasted like that together anymore; I get that. They've been friends for as long as either of them remember so for Flint to just go and start up again like that, with me no less, Volkner probably did have a reason to get pissed off like that. Like I'd be pissed off if Falkner suddenly decided that he didn't like the idea of me smoking weed anymore. I've told him that though, he can tell me to cut back and he can tell me he doesn't want any himself, but I don't think this is even the right analogy, is it? Fuck. Sorry.

So it took us about ten minutes to realise that if Volkner was leaving for the conference then we probably should too. I mean, one missing person? That's not suspicious. But two missing from the biggest event that the Leaders all attend? That's getting suspicious. I had a funny feeling that it would be even worse because Volkner would be turning up without Flint. Or me. And considering that I was playing host then someone would probably think that something was wrong, right? So we finally got up off the couch – that was hard, believe me – and collected everything that we'd need; pokeballs, wallets, my pokegear and Flint's poketch. Which was kind of awesome, by the way. I spent about ten minutes trying out all the applications on it at one point and almost broke it. Don't ask how I almost broke it, I look like enough of an idiot in this story already. From there things just got a bit worse. And I know you're thinking that I still have to fill in the gap between this bit and us not making it to the conference and I'm getting to that, okay? Give me a second, I'll be back to finish this, I need a break.

Wow, okay. So the story of how me and Flint got lost in my Gym. That's what I was going to tell you. Right? If it wasn't, too bad, that's the one I want to tell. It was kind of my fault really because I'm the one that was supposed to know how to get places in my own house but I got us lost because we went through the wrong door. Like, instead of ending up outside, we ended up in the Gym. And I don't know if you've ever been to my Gym but I'm going to assume that you haven't and tell you all about it anyway. I've got one of the best Gym trap set ups this side of Kanto. It's all dark and spooky and my Ghosts just play there all the time because I let them. I don't like keeping them locked up in their pokeballs unless we have to go somewhere. Like right now? Right now the Ghastly are downstairs and Haunter is doing something in my bedroom that I probably have to fix later and Gengar is sitting next to me being a huge fuzzball. His head feels like carpet sometimes, when he's feeling solid. But my traps are pretty great and everything, I can't tell you the secrets to it but there's a maze and you have to get through it all without falling off the edge of the path or you die. You don't die. I'm just fucking with you. But it's a really good system and I like it.

Of course, being the fucking lunatic that I am, I forgot the one key element to my Gym. If you fall off the path, you have to start over. See, I can follow this train of thought and I'm so fucked up right now that you wouldn't believe it so keep up. Me and Flint started at the back of the Gym. Not the front. If we jumped off the edge we could have gone back to the start, and the front door, in about three seconds. But we didn't. Do you know why? Because I'm a fucking moron. Excuse me. (I found him watching the news. I think he started this six hours ago. He was laughing at a report on babies being murdered in Saffron coinciding with a spike in chainsaw theft. I'm so sorry he's a madman. –Falkner.)

Ignore Falkner's two cents. I was laughing because of the report before that. Me and Flint spent the afternoon trying to navigate our way through all the haze and the dripping downpipes and the Ghosts laughing at us. Flint fell over the edge at one point and I grabbed him because I thought he would die. Yes, I was that fucked up that day, I forgot the mechanics of my own Gym. I spent ten minutes trying to save him because I didn't want to be responsible for the death of a Sinnoh Elite Four. Who would? Eventually we stopped and I have no idea where we were, just that we were in my Gym. Flint is a pretty mellow guy, really. He's got a temper but I never saw any of that, we were too wasted and only proceeded to get more fucked up when we decided that we were lost for good. Because that's what you do when you think you're going to die in a dark room without a floor and you're silently freaking out in your head because you have just enough self control left to know that you don't want to embarrass yourself any more. Isn't it? Seriously? You can't really blame us, it's not as if we went into this situation completely sober and then just decided to get fucked up for the hell of it. We thought we were going to die. No, seriously. Falkner laughed at me. Volkner laughed so hard at Flint making such a dick of himself that he burnt a hole in his jeans with his cigarette. It was Falkner that found us, by the way, later on that night. I don't know what happened at the conference but he was worried enough that he came back here with Volkner to check on us. We were lying on the pathway when they turned up. I couldn't move and Flint was only able to get up because Volkner dragged him off the floor. They left me there, by the way.

It was all a bit of a non-adventure in the end. Falkner stayed the night after he made sure that his guests were doing okay by themselves. I think he just wanted the chance to yell at me as soon as I woke up. He did, and I kind of listened and told him that I wouldn't miss another conference like that but I also reminded him that I do have a tradition of never making it all the way through them. Which I don't so we decided that I'm going to try to make it to the next one. Falkner decided that. I didn't want to agree on it because the thing is that if I don't go to the next one, I lose all sorts of privileges that I don't want to lose. Apparently Volkner had an alright time at the conference in the end, although he spent most of it outside because he's not allowed to smoke inside. Actually, I'm not supposed to smoke in my Gym, am I? Shit. It's a special effect, if anyone asks. I'm going to send Flint a Christmas present this year, by the way. He needs something to make things more interesting while he's just sitting around at the Sinnoh League, right?


	5. Bugsy

Disclaimer: Entirely not mine, in any way, shape or form.

This chapter, 'Bugsy', is entirely different to the rest. It's third-person rather than first because after I'd written two or three of the others I realised that I needed some kind of explanation. The 'chapters' here were all originally intended to be separate stories but I think it's easier to keep them together like this. This 'chapter' is short and like I said, was only written because people kept asking 'but WHERE does it all come from?' And I thought it was a good question that needed an answer.

* * *

Bugsy was sixteen years old when he took over the Azalea Gym. The handover happened on a day no less important than his birthday the same year; the previous leader wanted to retire but couldn't until someone else was able to take his position. Bugsy had been studying at the Gym since he could read, working as a Gym Trainer since he was nine and was well on his way to becoming an established researcher by age fourteen.

While the boy was still young, he had already developed a healthy amount of charisma. For the weekend of the handover the Gym was closed to trainers, simply so that Bugsy had the opportunity to get used to the idea that he was in charge; the League were going to be monitoring him closely for his first year as Leader, simply because Johto had never given such a position to someone of his ages before. With the Gym open only to visitors, Bugsy was able to speak with potential challengers for when they reopened, he couldn't think of a better way to spend his first weekend as the Azalea Gym Leader.

It was on Saturday evening that he noticed them. He had been talking to a few trainers that promised to visit on Monday and preparing to close up for the night. Standing only a few feet away from him, Bugsy had no idea how they had managed to end up where they had without him noticing earlier. He recognised the smaller one, Falkner of Violet. He was with another man that Bugsy didn't know, talking to him in what seemed like, from a distance at least, a noticeably stern tone of voice. Bugsy stood watching them for a moment; Falkner seemed less stern the longer he watched, more caring. The taller one appeared to have given in, he shrugged and leant forward to kiss Falkner's head; Morty. He must be Morty, Bugsy realised. He had no idea how he'd never met the Ecruteak Leader when he'd spent what felt like his whole life preparing to take over the Gym in Azalea.

Finally, Falkner and Morty approached him and introduced themselves. Or rather, Falkner introduced them both while Morty walked his fingers up and down his arm and laughed into his hair from behind. It was a simple conversation, full of questions about Gyms and towns and families. It took a more serious turn when Morty led Bugsy aside and told him something that he could never repeat to anyone; he wasn't to ask questions. 'I have to be able to trust you, can I do that?" Morty said. Bugsy had simply nodded.

Bugsy didn't know what he'd been expecting as Morty led him through some of the trees towards the back of the greenhouse. Of course, he was wary but Morty seemed too far off in his own world to do anything dangerous. His minimal expectations, however, left him entirely vulnerable to surprise when Morty revealed the purpose of their walk, hidden between a variety of other plants it was easily overlooked unless you knew what you were looking for.

'I don't sell it, I don't send it out onto the streets,' Morty explained. 'The Leader let me grow it here so I didn't have to keep getting it from the streets.' Bugsy had simply nodded again, still in mild shock. Morty was also happy to share, if he wanted. He had declined that offer but made it clear that he wanted no responsibility for the plants, Morty had agreed.

So Bugsy's first official duty as leader of the Azalea Gym was then, by default, to become caretaker for Morty's illegal plants. Morty, on the other hand, felt a weight off his chest; Bugsy was young enough to see the novelty in a secret crop. Morty had never told the previous leader what it was he was growing, simply that he wanted to make a hobby out of growing plants and needed a place to do it. It was just as well that a friendship grew rapidly, or Morty's continued visits to Azalea Town would have begun to look suspicious.


	6. Down at the Beach in Olivine

New fic/chapter. The only prompt I got for this one was 'send him to the beach' so I did. It seems less nonsensical than the others when I reread it, and there's more dialogue and character interaction this time around, which may or may not be a good thing. Anyway, enjoy, and as always, suggestions, comments, and questions are more than welcomed/appreciated. I also apologise in advance in case the writing seems worse than usual, I've been having a bit of a 'getting the words from my head to the screen' communication breakdown lately.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

I like Winter. I've said that before somewhere, I'm sure I have. It feels more like home than home ever did and to be honest I sort of spent more time at Eusine's house when we were kids. It's not because I didn't like my house or anything, I did, it's just that my house was kinda boring for a kid to grow up in. All the reading and the researching and more researching and even more researching, I sort of wanted to do something else and Eusine's house was less boring.

He had this pool, like a small one, and his mothers' Poliwhirl would fill it up when we splashed too much water out of the pool but we never got in trouble because that's what kids do. But that was in Summer and I've always liked Winter more because it just feels right. Summer is too hot, too restrictive.

In Winter the snow falls and if you stand outside when there's a strong wind and the snow swirls around you in all sorts of directions it feels like you're standing at the beginning of time and that nothing can stop you from doing the things you want to do. Winter feels right. Summer, and the things that all go with Summer, feel wrong.

I was at the beach in Olivine last Sunday. It was kind of awful because there was sand everywhere and it got in my shoes and my hair and I found it on the floor for a week. But other than that it wasn't all there. I was visiting Jasmine because she'd asked me to be there when that Leader from Sunyshore in Sinnoh turned up to visit her. I'm not sure why, all she's talked about for weeks is getting to spend some time alone with him and then she invites me along.

Well, she invited Falkner too and he turned up later in the afternoon because he had some things to do at his own Gym, he had to repair one of the roof beams that was starting to get old. That was alright because it's not like I hadn't seen him in weeks or anything but it would have been nice in one of those stupidly over-romantic stereotypical 'let's go to the beach' ways.

But that would have meant that anyone and everyone we know would have laughed at us for weeks and weeks so it probably was better than he stayed at his Gym for a few extra hours.

We were sitting on the edge of the pier waiting for the ship to dock, me and Jasmine. Her Magnemite was hovering somewhere behind us being chased by Gengar, it was funny for a while. I don't know how Magnemites manage to look shocked when they only have one eye but Jasmine's did when Gengar stepped off the pier to follow it over the ocean. Jasmine giggled in a way that made it obvious she was trying not to offend her companion but she told me later it was one of the most hilarious expressions she'd even seen on its face. I had to agree with her.

Now, the thing I wanted to say is that Jasmine is, to me, like the little sister that looks up to you in almost every way. It's not that she wants to be like me because she sure as hell doesn't, but I don't want to disappoint her just the same. She makes it almost impossible to be around her at the same time as, what she calls, 'indulging in vices'. She's not judgemental, no, she knows I'll stop when I'm done having fun, and she doesn't tell me not to smoke anymore because she knows I'll do it anyway. But she's got the sweetest face that shows disappointment before she even knows she's disappointed and needs to hide it. She guilt trips me without even knowing it most days.

'Morty,' She said, looking into the distance for the ship. It still wasn't due in for half an hour and it would be late, we both knew that but she was also too excited about the visit to stay home any longer.

'Yeah?'

'We're outside in public.'

'I'm not doing anything.'

It took me a while to figure out that she wasn't staring at my knee but the hand next to my knee, and by extension, the still unlit joint between my fingers.

'Yet.'

'Yet.' I echoed. 'There's no one here, and it's only small. And I don't want to go and get really fucked up, you know I only do that when I'm locked in the house, but even just a little makes one hell of a difference.' She was guilt tripping me with her eyes. I don't think she knew she was doing it but she was. She did that thing where she sighs but you never know why, pulled her legs up from the edge and stood, then kissed the top of my head and straightened out my hair.

'I'll meet you down on the beach.' She said. It was all the permission I needed to reach for my lighter.

'How do you like the sand?'

'How do you like the snow?'

'Snow melts, sand sticks to you for days.' I said. 'It's already in my shoes.'

'You should wear different shoes then.' Jasmine patted the sand next to her. Her shoes were off and her toes were buried in the sand and I couldn't think of anything more uncomfortable. Or, I could, but only just and they weren't exactly things to bring up in a conversation. So I sat down next to her and stared out at the ocean. It was kind of nice if I'm totally honest but I'd pick the mountains by Ecruteak any day, they ocean just seems too endless for some reason and I don't know why it should scare someone like me but it does. And by 'someone like me' I mean someone that deals with ghosts and death every day as part of their average routine.

'I like these ones.'

'Do you really feel better now?'

'Not better, just,' I thought about it for a moment. What was the best word? I felt nice, good, calm, happy, all of those things but none of the words fit the feeling. 'right.'

'There's something wrong if you need chemicals to help you feel right.'

'Plants, not chemicals.' I corrected. Gengar had gone back to chasing Magnemite and I watched them for a while as they bounded over the sand and floated above the water. 'How much longer to the ship now?'

'Not long.'

'And why exactly is he visiting you?'

'Because during the conference I mentioned that my Gym is probably the simplest design in Johto so I don't need as much funding as someone with a more complex set up. He said he wants to see it but I think he wants to re-wire the entire building because I mentioned I've got one lightbulb out in the battle arena.' Jasmine was drawing circles in the sand with her finger.

'So he's coming all the way from Sinnoh to fix a lightbulb?'

'Maybe.'

'I can fix lightbulbs'

'Then why do none of the lightbulbs in your Gym work then?'

'Atmosphere. The bulbs upstairs work.'

'He's not coming to fix a lightbulb, Morty.'

'I knew that.' I grinned. 'Did you invite him or was he just 'happening' to visit Olivine?'

'He's actually coming to look at the lighthouse, if we can get the permit through he's going to upgrade the electrics and convert it to solar for us.'

'For you.'

She blushed then, harder than I've ever seen before. I have no idea why she likes this guy so much. Actually, I do. And I think he's probably good for her, he'll help her come out of her shell a little. She needs someone like that.

"Why are you laughing?"

Suddenly we were back on the dock. I had no idea when that had happened and there was sand in places you don't ever want sand and I was laughing, I'll admit it, as if something hilarious had just happened. The problem was, I didn't know what we'd been talking about three seconds earlier and the dock was pretty much deserted. Jasmine's too sweet to tell me when I'm acting like a fucking lunatic. Whitney on the other hand, she's thrown drinks in my face more times than I can count because she's figured out that it stops me from laughing uncontrollably (It makes him cry instead. Then he laughs because he's crying. We don't go to Whitney's so called 'dinner parties' anymore – Falkner). I had to stop and think about why I was laughing.

"You know how you're probably the nicest, sweetest, most shy girl I'll probably ever meet? I was thinking about that, right, because I was thinking about Volkner and how he practically sweats confidence and then I was thinking about how great he's going to be for you. Then because I was thinking that I was thinking about the old 'opposites attract' thing and I ended up remembering how I've ruined Falkner. I don't know why it was funny though, it's kind of sad."

"You didn't ruin him." She sounded reassuring, I think it was because she thought I felt bad. And I kind of did really, and I kind of still do, some days. The worst part was probably that we'd switched to talking about relationships at some point without me knowing it, in public, while we were waiting for the one guy more likely to run a hundred volts of direct current through his own body than to talk about relationships.

"I think I did."

"You didn't."

"I did. He drinks coffee now. He never drank coffee before I got him started on it and yeah, he doesn't drink it a lot or every day or anything like that but before he wouldn't have ever even thought about it. And sometimes he dresses like a normal person and that really fucks with my head because I'm pretty sure that until the day he borrowed a pair of my jeans he'd never worn anything with a button let alone a fly. Do you know he's got a vacuum now? He never would have bought one if I hadn't complained that I was tired and didn't want to sweep. I've fucking destroyed the things that made him the way he is." I was on a roll by then and it didn't seem like there was much Jasmine could say to get me to stop. Of course, she hadn't really tried to interrupt me but I think that was because the ship was coming to a stop at the end of the dock and she wasn't really listening to me anyway.

"Morty, you just had a hundred and eighty degree mood turn around, you need to cut back on the drugs when you're leaving the house."

"I'll try." I didn't mean it.

"Thank you." She knew I didn't mean it. "You like him, right? I mean, he stayed with you over the last conference."

"I like him." I said with a shrug. "I don't think he really likes me that much after what happened when he was here and I didn't hear from him at Christmas even though the shit I sent to Flint was kind of meant for both of them and I'm pretty sure I wrote that in the letter. Yeah. So, I like him and all but I'm not exactly sure the feeling is mutual."

"But you think he's a good guy?" She wanted the truth and I wasn't sure I wanted to give it to her but there was that look again, that one that meant she was actually serious this time and didn't want me to fuck around anymore.

"Yeah, I think he's a good guy. He's moody and arrogant and he smoked tobacco in my house even after I told him not to but when he's not doing any of those things he's a good guy. He's smarter than practically anyone you could have met in Johto and he'll be good for you. Unless he tries to make you take up smoking or something, because he goes through a pack in two days."

"You can't really talk about smoking."

"Tobacco is different," I rolled my eyes. "Why do I have to keep telling people that?"

"Because we don't believe you."

"You should. Hey, you know what we should do, take him out for lunch or something, he'd probably like that. He likes food."

"Are you sure, Morty, I'm not convinced that he likes food." Jasmine giggled.

"Shut up." I didn't really mean for her to shut up because I like her and everything but she didn't really need to point that one out.

"Oh."

"What?"

"The ship's docked."

"Is it?"

"You're facing the shore."

"Right." I turned around. I felt stupid. She laughed again. At this point, I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, it was something though because I was outside the Gym. And I could feel the salt from the air stuck to my face, I hate that. I'd need to remember to have a shower when I got home. I was thinking about the shower when Jasmine made a strange kind of squealing noise, which was a shame because I was thinking about how nice it would be to be clean again and not smell like the beach. But it meant that Volkner was there or he would be in another minute and I knew that because instead of just squealing she had taken to squeezing my arm tightly. Too tightly but I wasn't going to tell her than because as nice and kind and sweet and generous (He's sucking up. He accidentally mentioned this to her last week. –Falkner) as she is, she can hit hard when she's provoked just enough.

"Hey."

There he was, calm and cool as ever. Jasmine even let out a little 'eep', I shit you not. It was hard to keep a straight face.

"Hey," I replied, trying to use a similar tone. I'm pretty sure I failed spectacularly. "Jasmine, Volkner, Volkner, Jasmine." I introduced them for the hell of it when neither of them said anything. So as good as Volkner was going to be for her, Jasmine still needed to get a better grasp on 'how to begin a conversation with the man you think looks like a God and want to spend forever with' before she moved on to anything more outgoing.

"Are you fucking high?"

"No sir." Sir? If that didn't prove I was a tiny little bit high, then nothing would. It could have only been worse if I'd saluted.

"Sir?"

"Yeah, I don't know."

"You can let go now, Morty," Jasmine giggled, making it seem like I was the one that had been clinging to her for my life a few seconds earlier. Obviously she's learnt that from someone, but I don't know who. And I don't know whether a sudden onset of being deceptive is a good development or a bad one when it comes to her.

"Sorry." I said. "I'm going home for a few hours, I've got sand everywhere and I need to get rid of it."

"You don't need to."

"Yeah I do."

"Morty,"

"Jasmine. There's sand where there should never be sand. Ever."

"Just let him go before he starts complaining about the sun shining." Volkner rolled his eyes, I swear he did.

"I don't mind the sun."

"When was the last time your Gym saw daylight?"

"Never."

"I rest my case."

"I have a Ghost Gym!"

Jasmine giggled and Volkner smirked. Great. They were ganging up on me and he'd only been in town for two minutes.

"Remember to come back for dinner, at around seven, okay?" Jasmine said.

"I will." I kissed her head again and started off walking backwards down the docks back towards Olivine. "If you hurt her, I'll set Gengar on you."

"I'm scared." Volkner rolled his eyes at me again. "Where is your Gengar?"

I had no fucking idea.

Volkner thought he'd won that round, just because Gengar had decided to go walking around town on his own. I showed him. During dinner, which was civilised by the way apart from this tiny incident by the way, Gengar dropped from the ceiling and made him jump so high that his knee smashed into the underside of the table. I was completely sober by then but I couldn't help laughing like a complete and utter lunatic. Even Falkner smiled. Jasmine just looked concerned. Hey, as far as I could tell they were already getting along much better than Volkner could have ever imagined they would. Even I know that's a good thing, finding someone that kind of puts up with all of your shit because they like you anyway. They'll be okay.

But still, it was a shit day at the beach. I kept finding sand for a week, all in places that it should never have been in the first place.


End file.
